


When I Stay By Your Side

by LilyRedDragon



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, F/F, Multi, Poly Relationship, Punk!Au, Social Anxiety, Tattoos, bullying tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-19 04:42:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5954023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyRedDragon/pseuds/LilyRedDragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The moment Nozomi talks too much and has to sort out the situation by herself, she's faced with all the shades of happiness and hurt that come with love. Songfic based on Birbyonce punk!au (Song used "Stand By You" - Rachel Platten)</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I Stay By Your Side

**Author's Note:**

> Really, this is my first fic for the LL! fandom, but I had a mighty need of writing about these three dorks. Enjoy!

“Ko-to-ri-chan~”

“Wh-ha!? Nozo! Stop doing that! You scared me!” the girl exclaimed jumping up from the swing she was sitting on.

Behind her, the purple haired girl snickered, burying her face in ashen hair that smelled of green tea and taking a deep breath, arms around the other’s small waist.

“You’re too fun to tease Koto-chan, I just can’t help it” Nozomi chuckled as she rested her chin on Kotori’s shoulder. She looked to the side to be met with puffy cheeks and an angry glare that made her girlfriend look even cuter.

She smiled, lips stretching, conscious that amber eyes were following her lip piercing’s every movement. Without a word she cocked her head to place a butterfly kiss on Kotori’s upper lip, feeling the faintest of sighs escape her mouth.

“That’s not gonna work” the shorter girl stated, crossing her arms on her chest. “I’m still mad.”

“I don’t like it when you’re mad at me, you know?” Nozomi replied, low voice and green eyes glinting mischievously. Kotori felt her girlfriend’s hands slide across her midriff, reaching her hips and pressing lightly on the fabric of her high-waisted jeans.

The ashen haired girl immediately sat down again, red spreading on her cheeks in embarrassment.

“Nope! Nopenopenopenopenope! You are not going to do that!”

She knew exactly to what extent the other could go with intimate physical contact, but this wasn’t the place, wasn’t the time and wasn’t the mood.

Nozomi found herself holding Kotori’s shoulders instead of her hips, so she kneeled behind the swing and spread her hands on the other girl’s toned abdomen, her slender fingers starting to creep up.

“I’m not going to do what?” the purple haired girl asked teasingly as she placed her lips just below Kotori’s racing pulse.

“We’re in pu-public” she stuttered with her eyes cast to the side. The sensation of warm lips and cold metal pressing on her nerves wasn’t unpleasant, it was rather the whole situation that was uncomfortable.

When a finger brushed on one of her breasts the girl quite literally fled from her girlfriend, both embarrassed and irritated that Nozomi was so keen on ignoring her words.

As she was running on the grass she crashed into something warm and soft that made the collision all the more pleasant. 

Recognising it as a person, Kotori had a suspect on who could it be because of their scent - bluebottles - but raised her eyes just to make sure she wasn’t in the arms of a stranger.

In fact, looking up she found blonde hair with a streak of sky blue and a gentle features bent in a surprised expression. The girl’s arms were raised in a startled pose, not really expecting to hug anyone, but a smile was tugging at her full lips.

When Eli recognised her girlfriend she relaxed a bit, but frowned as soon as she saw the tears in her amber eyes.

“Kotori, what happened?”

She was concerned, because Kotori, if sensible, wasn’t a cry baby. There had to be a reason.

“Non-chan…” she murmured in response, burying her face in Eli’s chest and hugging her tightly. The blonde held her close and looked at her other girlfriend, who was smugly leaning on the swing’s plastic seat with her face in her hands and an interested smile on her lips.

Eli’s frown deepened as she almost growled, her blue eyes burning.

Nozomi always enjoyed teasing them both, but she often went overboard with Kotori, who was the most reserved of the three.

They were all together most of the times, so it wasn’t really difficult to keep the situation in check, but the dynamics when they were split in pairs were much more complicated and hard to interfere with. It wasn’t the first time it ended like this.

Eli glared at Nozomi with a slight sense of murder, but the other just chuckled and got up from the ground, dusting her jeans and sweatshirt.

She walked to them with the usual swing in her hips, the one that made her girlfriends feel dizzy and made her seem almost feline.

“Hi there, Elichi” she smiled with a hint of malice in her green eyes.

“Don’t smile, apologise to her” the blonde replied in a dry voice.

Nozomi just smiled wider and chuckled, placing a hand on Eli’s forearm, just on her tattoo, and the blonde knew she was planning something.

She didn’t have time to protest when her girlfriend kissed her full on the lips, tongue and all.

Eli wasn’t stupid, she knew what Nozomi was trying to do, but she simply couldn’t stop herself from reciprocating the steamy kiss.

Their lips were already wet with saliva and their tongues were exploring each other’s mouths, dancing in perfect sync.

When Nozomi tugged at her upper lip with her teeth, Eli almost let out the moan that was building at the back of her throat.

What pulled them both out of the haze they’d entered was Kotori’s voice, muffled against Eli’s shirt.

“Someday, someone will sue you two for public indecency.”

They both looked at each other with a slight flush on their cheeks and Nozomi simply started to laugh, while Eli just smiled and looked away. Their kisses were always quite…  _passionate_.

“Why are you laughing, I’m serious! Everything you two do is always bordering on sexual” Kotori said raising her head. She was still glued to Eli, but she tried to look the both of them in the eyes. “I’m baffled. How!?”

Kotori wasn’t exactly naïve, but she was the most innocent in the relationship. She loved physical contact, but hated PDA just as much.

Nozomi was the first to reply. “How come you don’t like me - us - to touch you?” she asked, nibbling on the ash haired girl’s ear and tracing the outline of her hips with ghost fingers.

Kotori became scarlet red and, before Eli could tell Nozomi to quit it, she lost it completely.

“I already told you that you can’t! Not here, not now! How is it that you can’t manage to grasp the concept of consent? You’re supposed to be smarter than this!” she yelled, letting go of Eli and getting face to face with Nozomi.

The purple haired girl found herself at loss for words. She’d never seen Kotori so angry. She normally was gentle, soft in words and actions, it was almost like her personality was made of cotton. But not now.

“I love when you touch me, but not outside, not where people can see. I don’t want us to be the object of spiteful comments whispered behind my back, I’ve had enough!” she shouted, her chest heaving and eyes filling with tears.

So that was it. People’s judgement. That was what Kotori both hated and feared the most.

She ran a hand through her hair, biting her lower lip trying not to cry and tasting iron.

Even Eli now was looking at her with her mouth agape and astonishment in her eyes.

On the other hand, Nozomi was starting to get what Kotori was saying. And maybe she was starting to understand she wasn’t right, not this time.

“Kotori I’m-”

“No, shut up, don’t say a word. Don’t even- just shut up” Kotori cut her off with a sharp voice.

The other tried to grab her by the shoulder as she turned to walk away, but the shorter girl just shrugged her off.

“Leave. Me. Alone” she spat through gritted teeth, a single tear running down her cheek.

She started to walk, but stopped after a few steps. “Don’t follow me, neither of you.”

“Kotori, wait!” but Eli’s call fell on deaf ears.

The other two girls watched her run away without being able to do anything.

“I’m an idiot.”

It was a whisper, but Eli was near enough to hear it clearly. She witnessed Nozomi go limp on the grass, holding her head and drawing in shaky breaths.

“Elichi, I’m an idiot, I’m so stupid. Why can’t I keep my mouth shut for once in my life!? Why can’t I just shut up!? What’s wrong with me!?”

The blonde bit the inside of her cheek and kneeled before her girlfriend. She lifted her chin up with a finger and looked her in the eyes. No words were needed to unlock the faucet of those vibrant green ireses, as Nozomi desperately clung to Eli, crying on her shoulder. 

“I made her cry, I didn’t - I don’t- want to hurt her, but I’m too stupid to stay quiet!” she sobbed.

It was strange seeing Nozomi like that. She was usually so strong and cheerful and always had a smile for everyone, but now she was angry at herself for hurting Kotori.

“Nozomi, calm down, calm down, don’t worry” Eli whispered rubbing her back, her big sister’s instincts kicking in.

When the purple haired girl had enough air in her lungs she spoke, still shaken by sobs. “She - she probably hates me now.”

The blonde smiled bitterly in her hair, unseen. Funny how people became helpless when it was about matters of heart.

Kotori wasn’t someone who held grudges and she definitely didn’t hate Nozomi. On the contrary, she probably loved her like life itself. She could tell because of the way she looked at her, the way she touched her, the way they interacted. Eli felt loved in the same way. And getting so angry for some PDA was just her way to protect them.

All of them knew exactly how it felt to be the target of pointed fingers and harsh words, because of their piercings, because of their tattoos, because of their hair. Being three girls in a relationship was one of the reasons too.

“Nozomi, look at me.”

She took her tear-stained face in her hands and made her raise her head.

“Okay, listen, for as much as I’m concerned, this is not something you  _can’t_  fix. She can be mad now, but she doesn’t hate you. She never could.”

Nozomi’s eyes were slightly red and it was clear she regretted her words. “But-”

“No, let me finish. She’s frail, do you remember how she was when we first met her? I know she’s stronger now, but not… strong enough for this. Even if it is you who acted as a trigger for her, you have to help Kotori through this.”

A second of silence as the blonde glanced at the grass beneath them.

“I don’t want her to live with that fear.”

The purple haired girl noticed that her girlfriend’s eyes were starting to fill with tears. She smiled and touched the other’s forehead with her own, closing her eyes for a second and then staring into piercing pools of blue.

“Thank you” she whispered.

“I  _am_  your girlfriend, aren’t I?” Eli smiled.

“Yeah” the other breathed, giving her a peck on the lips.

“So is Kotori, though. Go, go talk to her” Eli prompted, getting up and offering her girlfriend a hand.

Nozomi just nodded and run in the direction the ash haired girl had run to.

The park they were in wasn’t that big, but Kotori had a peculiar aptitude for camouflage. She had and idea of where she could be though.

She went to a part where only trees were planted, some of them probably centenary. Sticking her nose in the air she scanned the treetops in search of a black shirt, or a pair of jeans.

After looking for a while, and almost tripping on more than a bare root, Nozomi found a pair of white sneakers dangling from a branch.

_How the fuck did she climb up there?_

When Kotori noticed her she rolled her eyes and curled herself up further amidst the leaves, hiding from sight.

The purple haired girl sighed and started to toy with one of her many earrings, thinking of a solution.

Kotori obviously wasn’t keen on getting down so she had to go up. Judging from the height the branch was quite sturdy. Her girlfriend was light, but she didn’t weight much more and the thing could probably hold their combined masses.

Nozomi then started to climb the trunk, but the action revealed itself to be more difficult than expected.

When one of her hands slipped and got bruised on the bark, making her yelp in pain, she heard Kotori’s voice.

“Are you  _insane?!_  What in the world are you doing?!”

“You don’t want to get down, so… I’m coming up” Nozomi grunted as she continued her ascent.

“You’re so stupid sometimes.”

Purple hair peeked out from under the branch, together with a pale hand. “That’s why you love me.”

Kotori didn’t smile and left Nozomi to her ministrations, not helping her.

When the girl managed to lift herself on the branch she exhaled a sigh of relief. She closed her eyes for a second, trying to get her heart to calm down.

“Koto-chan.”

Nothing.

“Please, Kotori.”

A murderous glare. Then the ashen haired girl returned to ignoring her.

Nozomi understood that this approach wasn’t going to take her anywhere. She thought about what Kotori really loved, or at least like enough to forgive her.

An idea popped in her mind surprisingly fast. So she took a deep breath.

_“Hands, put your empty hands in mine.”_

She started to sing softly, emerald eyes intently fixed on the stubborn girl in front of her.

_“And scars show me all the scars you hide.”_

Nozomi knew she had scars, not physical, but emotional ones. They were so many one could give up counting. And she cursed herself knowing that she’d probably reopened a barely closed wound with her actions.

_“And hey, if your wings are broken please take mine, so yours can open too, ‘cause I’m gonna stand by you.”_

She leaned forward and placed a hand on Kotori’s knee, making her look up with wet eyes. Nozomi smiled reassuringly.

She was going to be there for her whatever happened. The older girl was aware of her mistakes and was trying so hard to amend. She didn’t really expect to be forgiven, not immediately at least.

_“Tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes.”_

Her voice was soft when she intertwined their fingers, searching for amber eyes that were willingly avoiding hers.

For a second she thought it wasn’t fair, as Kotori was stunning even when she was crying her eyes out.

_“And hurt, I know you’re hurting but so am I.”_

Those words were so true it hurt. A hand reached out to catch on one of the tears, cancelling its trail in the process.

Nozomi’s actions were cautious, almost hesitant, as she cupped Kotori’s cheek.

_“And love, if your wings are broken borrow mine so yours can open too, 'cause I’m gonna stand by you.”_

The ashen haired girl closed her eyes, hiding bright amber from sunlight, and leaned into the contact for a second. It was warm.

_“Even if we’re breaking down we can find a way to break through, even if I can’t find heaven I’ll walk through hell with you.”_

Nozomi got nearer and searched for consent in burning irises. She needed physical contact for this, but also wanted for Kotori to be completely comfortable with it.

The younger girl opened her eyes and barely nodded, before being engulfed in Nozomi’s embrace, her warmth seeping through her sweatshirt.

_“Love you’re not alone, 'cause I’m gonna stand by you.”_

As her girlfriend pronounced the last verse, she felt the vibrations spread throughout her body and was suddenly remembered what had brought her to like this busty, flamboyant, boisterous girl.

Nozomi sighed and Kotori felt her chest move against her own as a sob shook her.

“I’m sorry.”

A hand was in her hair, slowly caressing her head, and she let her tears fall freely, sheltered in the arms of one of the people she loved more than her own life.

“I’m sorry for not understanding sooner, Kotori. I’ll never know how you feel, but I too got a taste of people being assholes 'cause they were too damn stupid to understand” Nozomi whispered.

“But I’m too stupid to understand too, I’m dumb when it comes to people, Elichi’s the one good with that stuff.”

Kotori remained silent, still trembling and waiting for Nozomi to talk again. Her voice calmed her down.

“I’m not smart and I know it must be difficult for you to deal with me, but I want to understand to be able to stay by your side. I-”

Her voice had cracked and she was forced to take a shaky breath to steady herself. Kotori could feel her heart pounding loudly, almost trying to burst out of her ribcage.

“I want to love you and I need you to guide me through yourself to do it. I need you like I need air to breathe and I can’t lose you to my own stupidity.”

Nozomi didn’t dare breathe. Her heart was racing like mad and her blood was roaring in her ears.

On the other hand, Kotori felt laughter bubble up in her chest.

“My God, you can be so dense sometimes.”

The purple haired girl pulled out of the hug to watch the other in the eyes, a puzzled expression on her face. A tiny, microscopic part of her was suggesting her girlfriend had gone mad.

Tears were streaming down Kotori’s face as she spoke, a smile on her lips. It wasn’t a happy one, though.

“You’re stupid, obnoxious, loud and inappropriate at most times” she chocked out, rubbing away the tears from her cheeks so hard her skin started to redden.

“You’re-”

Kotori was interrupted by a sob that took all the air from her already strained lungs.

Then another, and another. She leaned forward and grabbed an astounded Nozomi by her sweatshirt, burying her face in her chest.

“I want to blame you for all of this…. 'cause I don’t want to carry the blame myself, but I… I can’t! I’m the one who’s t-too weak to bear this, I’m the one… who cries too easily and gets a-anxiety… attacks” she heaved, her voice muffled by the fabric.

“I want to blame you, but… I can’t” she added in a whisper. “Because I love you.”

Nozomi didn’t know what to say. She was worried that their relationship couldn’t return to what was before, but also happy because of that sentence.

_“Because I love you.”_

“Kotori-" 

Maybe she couldn’t hear her voice.

"It’s my brain that has something wrong with it!” the ashen aired girl sobbed.

Nozomi felt her heart crack at that sentence. Why was it always the victim to be blamed? Why did the victim even feel they had to take the blame?

“No Kotori, no, no, no, no” she whispered as she gently lifted the girl’s face. Tears fell in her palms, mixing with dried blood and trickling down her arm, inside her sleeve, just to soak through the fabric. She didn’t even know she’d been bleeding.

“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you” she said shaking her head. “It’s other people and me and my damn mouth, but not you, okay?  _Not you_.”

Kotori didn’t even have the strength to protest. It had been rough - the whispered comments, the laughs, the threats, the insults and the occasional beatings she’d hid even from her childhood friends - but she’d always thought  _she_  was the problem. Others were right.

_Waste of space, freak, psycho._

Whispers in her head, so strong they made her deaf.

And yet, there was Nozomi, beautiful in her oversized sweatshirt and disheveled hair, eyes fixed in hers, saying she was  _okay_.

Everything that had happened was because Kotori was afraid. Of what she knew very well, but she wasn’t capable of admitting it.

Intimacy always left her astonished, because the only contact she’d had in late years were hugs from Honoka and Umi. Other people avoided her.

Then Eli and Nozomi had literally barged into her life, with mesmerising beauty and confident, bright eyes, perfect smiles and kisses on their lips.

“You’re not wrong, Kotori, nothing in you is. Believe me when I say I’d love you anywhere, anytime, anyway, and believe me, Elichi feels the same. You’re perfect in all your little imperfections and that’s okay, you’re okay, because it’s you and it’s us and you’re  _beautiful_.”

Nozomi wasn’t even sure of what was getting out of her mouth, but she knew those were the right words somehow.

Kotori couldn’t breath.

The two girls she’d seen from afar on a sunny summer day as they were kissing under an oak, the ones that had laughed and blushed when they’d been caught, the ones that had bumped into her and her books, the ones that looked like the types her mother had advised to stay away from.

Kotori couldn’t believe they loved her as much as they loved each other, couldn’t believe they even cared. But they did.

She let herself go limp in Nozomi’s embrace, her arms circling the shoulders of the purple haired girl, her face searching for a warm comfort in the crook of her neck.

It was so pleasant, staying there without having to worry about others. It was just the two of them and silence, their hearts beating to create their own song.

Nozomi felt the dampness on her skin and wondered how much more time Kotori would need to completely heal. Maybe a lifetime wouldn’t have been enough.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” the ashen aired girl whispered.

“Shh, don’t cry anymore, little bird” Nozomi coddled. “Everything’s alright now.”

There it was, that nickname. Her girlfriend had used it just two times before, one when they’d met and one when they’d had their first time together, when Kotori had cried in happiness.

The purple haired girl’s hands were drawing invisible patterns from the small of the girl’s back to her shoulder blades and back again, up and down.

Only after a few minutes she dared speak again. “Am I forgiven for my stupidity?”

Kotori chuckled, rolling her eyes. “Yes, you are, but just because you can do disasters and wonders with that mouth of yours.”

She suddenly shoved her forefinger in Nozomi’s face, a blush decorating her cheeks. “And  _don’t even try_  to make that pun. I meant that the other way, the  _innocent_  way.”

“I didn’t utter a single word” the girl responded, lifting her hands up in defeat.

“Yeah, yeah, but I know you thought about it” Kotori explained.

“You know Eli’s gonna kill you for that, right?” she added a second after, gesturing to Nozomi’s injured hand, a little line of concern on her forehead.

Nozomi sighed, the tiredness falling on her like a marble block. “Sadly, I’m aware. I’ll really have to kill her with kisses." 

What made the other girl laugh was her girlfriend’s straight face as she announced her intentions.

The purple haired girl smiled and Kotori couldn’t hold back anymore. So she took her by the collar and kissed her on the lips. 

Sweet, long and discreet.

Nozomi reopened her eyes to be met with a sheepish smile and smiled back.

Then she realised.

"Not to ruin the moment or anything, just… How the fuck do we get down from here?”


End file.
